Transcript:

Ben Smith (00:26):

Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Retirement Success in Maine podcast. My name is Ben Smith and I'm one of the co-hosts here on the show. Listeners, I hope you're doing out well out there today. If you'd like to be a part of the show, love to hear from you. You can email us at benSmith@guidancepointrs.com, or you can find us on YouTube, LinkedIn, Facebook, just search Retirement Success in Maine podcast. You can find more information about us there at this time. Love to welcome in the Marsha Gay Harden to my Amy Grant, Curtis Worcester. How are you doing today, Curtis?

Curtis Worcester (00:58):

All right. I'm doing well, Ben. I'm doing well. How are you?

Ben Smith (01:00):

Really well, and I know sometimes I throw in obscure kind of connections between us. I do want to explain this one. The question is, what do actress Marcia Gay Harden and country music singer Amy Grant have in common? I know Amy Grant, so Vince Gill married there, but Marsha Gay Hardin helps care for her mother who has Alzheimer's disease and she's writing a memoir about it. And Amy Grant's caring for her father who has dementia and says that she and her sisters are the caregiving team. So wanted to obviously make a connection there between people that might not have walks of life the same, but have various connections. And especially many of us as we talk to our clients in retirement, and as they're approaching retirement, they're imagining their years filled with travel, relaxation and time to pursue these long, neglected hobbies. But for some of us, there's a reality of retirement that brings along new responsibilities, particularly in the form of caregiving for a loved one.

Ben Smith (02:03):

While caring for a parent or a loved one can be rewarding, it also can be incredibly challenging physically, emotionally, and mentally. So we wanted to do a show that we could explore some more of the complexities of caregiving. How do you balance the emotional weight of watching a parent age with the practical needs of their care? What do you do when the roles of parent and child become reversed and how can we find lightness and connection even the most trying moments? So whether you're currently caring for a loved one or you're anticipating that responsibility, or maybe you just want to simply hear a story of resilience, love, and humor, we think this episode is going to be filled with some insights and inspiration for anyone navigating that caregiving journey.

Curtis Worcester (02:45):

That's right, Ben. And like we always do, we like to bring on guests to help us relay these topics to you all. Our guest today knows this experience all too well. He was living a carefree bachelor life in Los Angeles, free of responsibilities when his life changed with a single phone call. His 89-year-old mother, Genevieve was on her deathbed or so he thought. But as days turned into weeks, she miraculously recovered and our guests found himself moving back into his childhood home to take on the role of full-time caregiver. So our guest today, a New Jersey native exit 1 63, earned an industrial design degree from the Ohio State University. After years of agency work, his love of acting actually led him to Hollywood where he appeared in dozens of television, film, and stage productions. He also spent his 28 years in Tinseltown Entrepreneuring. He started five nonprofit companies.

(03:48):

Hold the Applause everybody. None of those were intended to be nonprofit companies. He now lives in the south of France. And hold onto your pity, he of sound, mind and body chose to suffer in the heart of wine country where the locals insist his French isn't so bad. At least that's what he thinks they're saying. Again, our guest today is an award-winning designer, writer, director, and now a bestselling award-winning author. He has written lots of jokes, several screenplays, and won award-winning short film. His book, A Cup of Tea on the Commode, A Sad, sweet and Funny debut memoir Chronicles his multitasking Adventures of fulfilling a filling his mother's last year's with love, laughter, and joy, though not always successful, he came pretty damn close. A cup of tea on the commode is available on Amazon in all formats, paperback, large print, ebook and audiobook. You can also find it at Barnes and Noble, apple Books, et cetera. And I'm going to pause everyone right now. We will also have links to the book in all of its formats on our show notes as well. So we'll all make sure you all know where to find that, and we'll even have a link to the website where you can stay up to date on all of any news or announcements or anything like that. So with that wonderful introduction, please join me in welcoming Mark Steven Poro to the Retirement Success in Maine Podcast. Mark, thank you so much for coming on our show today.

Mark Steven Porro (05:21):

Well, thank you for having me. It's great to be here, and I have nothing to add. You did it all. That's perfect. Thank you everybody for coming. This is the shortest podcast they've done here, and so we know your time is valuable. So go by the book and we'll talk later.

Curtis Worcester (05:38):

I love it. I love it. I love it. So Mark, obviously we want to really dive into kind of your background and your relationship with your mother. So you shared, or we shared right there in that intro how your life in Los Angeles was carefree, and before you received that phone call about your mom, could you just tell us more about your life before that moment and then your relationship with your mom during that time?

Mark Steven Porro (06:04):

Well, okay, so I was in my mid fifties and I was an actor, as you said, but I was aging out of that. I had a good run, but the auditions were few and far between. I did have a snack food business that was one of my startups that actually was working and making some money and stuff like that. And my brother and I started that company. It was called Grandpa Pose, originals to honor my dad and his invention, which was this half popcorn snack. So that was, let's say, a tribute to my dad and everything was kind of fine. And then this phone call came in February of 2011, and my brother just said, mom's kind of on her deathbed. She was at the senior center, which she went to several times a week to keep active. At that point, she was fairly independent.

(07:03):

She was living in the house we all grew up in. We had a family living upstairs that was overseeing household duties and doing laundry and cooking for her, but she could still walk and manage most of her daily activities. But it appeared that she was not happy and we didn't know the severity of the relationship between mom and the family. We had upstairs kind of caring for her, but it was pretty bad. And I think my mom, who suffered from some bouts of depression, I guess throughout her life, I never really knew how severe, but this was a pretty good one. And I think she just turned 89, and I think she said that This is my life. I'm out of here because this is horrible. And so when Mike called, he said he called the doctor and the doctor cut off all meds and food and said she's going. And that was the diagnosis from the doctor who never came to see her. Just said, we're done. And so they called hospice, and I kind of freaked out because 14 years earlier, hospice, we actually called hospice for my dad, and he died two days later. So

(08:13):

When hospice is called, the end is kind of done. And so all her kids, she had six kids, we all came home and I have a chapter in the book called The Silent Scream, and I think that it was a cry for help. There was very little love, if any, in the house. And as I got home, I hadn't been home in several months. The house was no longer this loving, welcoming place that we all grew up in, and my mom and most of her belongs, were all kind of sequestered in her room, and the rest of the house was kind of taken over by these people. So that was really kind of horrible. And mom didn't talk. I call the semi-comatose state, and hospice was there when I arrived. I arrived I think the next day, and we were on death watch and we didn't know how long mom was going to be with us.

(09:08):

So my younger sister and I hung out with hospice, and we wanted to learn as much as we could from them and to take care of our mother as much as we could because we didn't know how much time we were going to have with her. We were really good students and we learned how to deal with the medical needs, and she had bed sores at the time and how to treat those and how to change diapers. At that point, she was in diapers and had to change the bedding with a helpless patient in bed and things like that, and how to properly lift her up and out of bed. But at that point, she was pretty much in bed the whole time and didn't talk. She would open her eyes every once in a while. It was pretty interesting. She would look at the same spot in the corner of the room whenever she opened her eyes, but she didn't speak. She did respond to touch, which was nice. So I think she knew we were there. And one of us slept in bed with her, always had somebody next to her just in case.

(10:04):

And

(10:05):

Then they had a revolving door of hospice nurses. And so each of them kind of did their own thing, which was kind of interesting. We had to learn. But there was a directive from the supervisor, no food, no meds. And after about three weeks, one of these nurses came in and it got to a point where we had to meet them at the door and make sure they read the directive. We put it in front of them, said, please read this before you go and see my mom. And they would read it, and most of them behaved, but this one nurse said, okay, got it. And she walked in and she looked at my mom, and again, my mom's eyes are closed and not saying a word. She says, Mrs. Porro, are you hungry? And my mother's eyes shot open for the first time in weeks.

(10:46):

Oh my

(10:46):

Goodness. It was like a dinner bell rang, and I'm like,

(10:49):

What is going on? First we were very angry with the nurse, but also kind of shocked by mom's reaction. So then this nurse accused us of trying to starve our mother to death, which I guess maybe happens, but we loved our mother. We didn't want her to go and we trusted hospice and their assessment. So we told her to go call her supervisor. She broke the rules. So she went in, called the supervisor, and again, accused us of starving our mother to death. And now I'm thinking, oh my gosh, maybe they were wrong, and are we in fact starving our mother to death? So that nurse left, and before another one came, I went in and talked to my mom and I said, mom, are you hungry? And she said, well, what do you got again, first words in

(11:30):

Weeks?

(11:32):

And I said, now at this point, it's March.

(11:34):

And

(11:34):

I said, well, anything you want. She goes, how about some pumpkin pie? I said, it's not really pumpkin pie season. But so my brother who lived locally was in the living room. So I went out and asked him if he wanted to take on this challenge, and he went out and came back within about 30 minutes with two fresh pumpkin pies.

Curtis Worcester (11:53):

Wow.

Mark Steven Porro (11:54):

By some small miracle. The universe was helping us out there. And so I gave a spoonful to mom and she spit out the first one, and again, it was her first food in weeks and said, well, that didn't go so well, but let's try again. So the next spoonful was went down pretty easy, and then she downed half the pie and she just woke up. She was fully alert, and it was great because they say Jewish mothers invented guilt, but Catholic mothers perfected it. And my mother was one of the best, and I hadn't seen her for a number of months because she became this grumpy old lady. I called her Archie Bunker, and it was not pleasant to be around her. So when she woke up and she realized I'm the one feeding her, she says, well, I haven't seen you in a long while.

(12:44):

And I was like, I'm sorry, mom. I know, but I'm here now. Maybe that had something to do with me, a bit of a catalyst for me taking on what I did. The next day she downed another half a pie, and the next day I think she downed the full pie. Then she moved on to Sherbert eight bowls of Sherbert a day. We were draining New Jersey of all the Sherbert being I think manufactured in the eastern part of the United States. And we realized it was probably just a high sugar high that this lady was riding, but this is what she wanted. And she was awake and we said, listen, you get what you want. You lived 89, this is fine. So eventually she moved on to some real food, but it took a while because then it was next thing was sugary oatmeal for several weeks, and then we got into some real solid food.

(13:36):

So that was the change. But while I was there, I stayed with her for several weeks and once she got up and started, she didn't walk again after this for a long time, but once I felt she was on the mend and hospice was going to be there for a number of more months, I was able to go back to la. But while I was there, I looked around, I said, boy, this is our home anymore. This has been taken over. There's no love here. She's wearing these drab night dresses, day dresses, whatever they wanted to call 'em. She had no makeup on. Her hair looked horrible. She was not treated well. And it wasn't just these people. These people were not hands on. It's a shame because I took a different approach to it. So I thought she could be treated better and the house could be improved.

(14:27):

So when I went back to la, we kept in touch and I came back a few months later for one of her grandson's weddings, and I took over all caregiving deed duties again for a couple of weeks. And I got her all dialed up for this wedding. And I grew up with three sisters, so I knew how to take care of a long hair, and I learned more than just how to put the toilet seat down from the four women in the house. And I was the youngest son and maybe a bit of a romantic. And so I took special care getting her ready for this wedding. And this was her first time she was out of the house since this event. So this was almost eight months later, and she had a ball and she looked great and she felt great, and everybody responded to her, and she was surrounded by family during that time. I asked her, I said, do you want me to come home and make sure you're treated this way? She said, yes. I said, okay. So that's what I did. I didn't do it right away. That was September. I had to go back and take care of some things in la,

(15:36):

But I moved back into my childhood home in December of that year.

Ben Smith (15:41):

So Mark, from there, here we are now, I guess want to ask a question of obviously going from hospice, which is hospice is getting you comfortable to the end of life here. So what was the unwinding of the hospice process? I do understand that does happen, that I think there's a 50% of people that go in hospice due come off, but they can go back on. But I do understand that's a process. I

Mark Steven Porro (16:07):

Didn't know it was that high. I thought it was a lot lower odds

Ben Smith (16:11):

Coming

Mark Steven Porro (16:11):

Back. So

Ben Smith (16:12):

That's what we've seen for statistics. But yeah, mark, from your end where you had a doctor saying affirmatively, oh, this is definitely hospice, and you have hospice people, and again, to your point about you're not giving food and you're getting them or your mom ready towards this, what was that like? Well, now we're getting off hospice and now she just needs caregiving. What was that conversation like maybe between you and your siblings and maybe even your mom herself?

Mark Steven Porro (16:41):

Well, I think, again, it was one of those rebel nurses. We all took a break one day, probably middle late March. And when we came back, a new hospice nurse was there, and she had my mother up and sitting at the kitchen table. Actually, she was in a wheelchair, but so sitting in the wheelchair at the kitchen table eating her lunch, and again, the directive was, don't move her. She's in bed. That's it. And I wanted to get so angry at this nurse, but before I said anything, she said, I took one look at your mother and said, this lady is not ready to die. You're getting up and you're going to have your lunch at the proper place at the kitchen table. And my mother was like, okay. And I'm not sure how much of a choice she really had, but that was just common sense.

(17:34):

And this woman, these hospice nurses are great because they have so much experience and they can look at a person or their patient and really assess what's going on on the front lines. And so the first lady really though, she accused us of trying to starve our mother. She did a good thing. And this second one also did a good thing. So I felt more comfortable that, yeah, mom's going to be fine, but good food. And again, love needed to be returned to that house because unfortunately, the people that were upstairs were sticking around for a while. It was some family dynamics that got in the way of us getting rid of them sooner. And being an Italian in Jersey, we have options that could have expedited that situation, but we wanted to not end up in jail. So I felt better. I mean, hospice had to stay there for the six months, apparently that's the deal. So that's when I felt more comfortable to leave and go to New Jersey. I knew they were going to be on. So does that answer?

Curtis Worcester (18:44):

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's great. Mark. So I want to ask a question again about the book. So I know in your book you recount a lot of deeply personal moments between you and your mother. Can you just tell our listeners, what was your mother as a person? How did her personality shape the caregiving experience for

Mark Steven Porro (19:04):

You? Well, both of my parents were very funny. Our house, they were both a little kooky, and luckily they passed that down to their six kids. So we always had a lot of fun together. And mom was a full-time proofreader for the largest newspaper in New Jersey at the time, the Bergen record. So she worked actually the night shift. And my dad was a chemist for Sandoz Pharmaceuticals, so he worked the day shift. So all of the kids, because of their work schedules became pretty independent. And though we certainly loved our family, grew up in a nice nurturing home, but everybody kind of learned how to take care of themselves. And our parents were the kind of parents I think that led more by example than lecture. They were both really good people and they treated people with respect. They taught us how to be the men, how to be gentlemen, the women, how to be women, and keep your elbows clean and your ears clean and brush your teeth and things like that. So really good stuff or normal things. So let's say when this came up and I had a good relationship with both of my folks, I was a very curious kid and maybe that's what led me into acting. But my parents were, they grew up in the twenties and thirties, and that generation did not talk about their feelings

(20:29):

And pain. I rarely heard my parents express any issues with pain and stuff, and I know they had to be going through it. My dad had a very interesting walk because he avoided doctors and things like that, and he worked his tail off when he came home to do things. And my mother worked the night shift, but during the day, she was a shopaholic. So she was up and come back from work earlier in the morning and be off to shop for eight hours. She was a very good bargain hunter, but it was a little, went a little too far. But I got both of them to open up about things they never, I guess wanted to open up about. But I think they felt good once they did because it brought me closer to both of them. And with my mom. Mom and dad did not have a great marriage the whole time. They were Catholics and again, both stubborn, independent people and they had some issues. So we grew up with a lot of tension in the house from time to time. And I guess I kind of assumed the roller protector of my mom. I took my mom's side until I got older and heard my dad's side of it. And then I understood that it takes two to tango.

(21:40):

And

(21:40):

So I got to know both of them as people, not just as my parents. And I liked them. They were very, very cool people. And my mother, I have a chapter in the book, I didn't know this but I saw it later, but my brother was six years older, saw my mom and how much she cared for. We had a lot of different pets in the house, and at this time we had two mice who produced tons of mice,

(22:05):

But one of them was not doing well. The mice, I think lifespan is about two years. And so this one was the female we called salt kind of dying. She was done. And my mother said, no, no, no, we're going to get this girl back up. And my brother was maybe around six at the time, and he tried to stay up all night with my mom, and he kept dozing off and waking up and seeing my mom still there trying to nurture this little mouse back. And she brought this mouse back where it lived several more, maybe years, mouse years. And it would've made, I think Disney very happy. But that was great. And then any of the other pets that we had, and then I found out later when doing research for this book, she wanted to be a veterinarian. Her father said, no, that's a man's job. You can't do that. And growing up in the twenties and thirties, you were kind of limited as far as what you could do for the, I guess career choices and stuff like that. So that was a shame. But I might not be here if she was a veterinarian. So it worked out good for us. But yeah, so we were close and she had some weight issues, which might've been connected to her bouts of depression growing up. And I tried to find out why,

(23:27):

And I got her to open up saying she was not happy with the marriage and the way my dad was treating her at that particular time. And then I chatted with my dad about it, and they're kind of sitting, who's this 15-year-old kid talking to us like this? And then my other sister, one of my sisters actually got them to go to marriage counseling, which was a miracle

(23:50):

Be

(23:50):

And the success of that, I'm not so sure about it. At first, it was pretty good. My dad really kind of jumped on board, which I was very surprised. Mom was a very stubborn, and I don't think it changed her at all. But anyway, so I kind of tried to fill that role of protector and that's I guess where the romance stuff. So some of this my romantic take I guess came into the caregiving

Ben Smith (24:19):

Role. Well, mark, I want to ask a question because a series of questions here. I know a lot of this is we want to be asking these questions on behalf of our clients that are retired and retiring and thinking about themselves and caregiving roles, and obviously your experience with your mom. I know we're kind of covering right now, but also I know you lost your dad as well as part of that, but I want just ask this question about obviously unexpectedly taking on caregiving roles, right? Because I'm sure you're out here in Los Angeles, you're like, Hey, I'm living my life and doing my things, and obviously you're acting, you're writing, you're doing lots and nonprofits and businesses, but here, I'm busy my own life and I'm planning out kind of next things. It's natural to keep going on your own direction, but to then kind of get thrust into unexpectedly taken on a role.

(25:13):

So I guess the question is, here you are, right? Your mom has come off of hospice in your family. You said you got brothers and sisters here. It's like, what was that process like for your family about who's going to take on the responsibility of caring for mom? And how did you guys figure out, well, I know obviously even if you were the ones that raise my hand, I'm going to do it, I'm going to take care of mom, but there's always the sibling that's out there somewhere chirping, no, no, no, you can't do that to mom. Well, you got to be doing it differently. They always have their own take and there's family dynamics that are going on. So how did you go through the process of who's going to do it? And then once you did kind of go through that of, Hey, we have kind of established roles and responsibilities in taking care of mom here.

Mark Steven Porro (26:01):

Well, I was very lucky. I am the youngest son, also the tallest. So maybe that had something to do with it once I said, I'm taking over anyway. So

(26:13):

I don't know. I think I'm probably out of the six, the most sensitive, and maybe it's some argument there, but emotionally, definitely. And I saw a lot of the problems when this incident happened. I saw them earlier and when I would voice my opinion about that, my brother, who was the point man, because he lived close and he's the one who hired these people from time to time and stuff like that. And he just said, okay, well if you want to take that responsibility, come back here because it's a big deal to try to hire somebody and also to go visit the house and make sure everything is cool. And he did that day after day after day. So I applaud him for that. But I thought the conditions could have been greatly improved, and so somebody had to take on that responsibility. So the choice to go back there was easy for me because my mother was top priority.

(27:11):

She deserved better. And if anybody was going to have to do it, it was going to have to be me if I wanted that her life to improve. Working out the logistics did take some time. And so that's why it was a few months later that I finally moved back in December and I wasn't expecting to take over the 24 7 caregiving right away. I needed to make some money. So as I was redesigning my brother's offices, so I was living at the house, but then during the day I'd be at his office working and then I'd come home at night. So we would hire temporary people. I would take care of her in the morning, getting her ready. She got a sponge bath twice a day in the morning in the evenings, and we hired somebody to be there, I think around dinner time to get her ready for dinner and get her ready for bed.

(28:04):

Just as time went on, we knew we needed someone full time and that was not happening. And actually went through a series of interviews and I got to appreciate what my brother had to go through because boy, the interview process is some, and also getting good people, once you hire them, things change. And I have a chapter in the book called The Parade of aids, and they could read it. Boy, it was some fun stuff. I can look back now and laugh, but boy, during the time, not easy. So I said, once the parade of aids didn't work out, that's when I said I got to step up. So I again asked my mom, I said, do you want me to do this full time? And she said, yes. And that's when I said, if I do this, I will now be in charge, so you must now obey me. And she first smiled, but then I think when she realized what was happening, she puckered up for a kiss, but her mood completely changed. And I wasn't sure if that was a sign of surrender or one wishing me luck. She could be a tough cookie. And I knew that from the experience of the people who lived in the house, they would share a lot of stories. And I said, yeah, that's my mom. So

(29:15):

I gave her a kiss and hoped for the best. But my approach to it was, and I told my mom too, I said, okay, if I do this, I will protect you. I'll make sure you're happy and safe and healthy as much as I can do, but we are going to have fun.

(29:33):

And she was game. I love that. And my goal that I didn't tell her was I want to make her laugh at least once a day because humor was a big part of certainly my life. And I think our entire family, and if people are, I mean, there's so much junk in the world and negativity and stuff, you can make people laugh. It just makes so much life so much easier and the chore so much easier. And she ended up making me laugh quite a bit too. So we did have a good time, but I would've to say, anybody who's taking that role on you have to be comfortable. It's not for everybody. Out of the six kids, there were two that were not hands-on at all. They were not comfortable doing it. And we said, fine, not everybody is going to be ready to do this, but they helped in other ways. So I think it's important if you certainly have to learn how to do it. So you want to be qualified, but also mentally and physically ready to do it because it is a tough job and you don't want your loved one or your patient to sense any stress on you because they'll pick that up too, and it's not fun. So I think that might've been one of the issues with the people who are dealing with my mom.

(30:53):

They certainly found no joy in it and no joy with this person. And I said, no matter what, I'll do my best. We're going to have fun, but you're my mother and I love you, and I want to treat you well. It wasn't always a pretty picture, but for the most part it was. At least she knew she was loved and was going to be protected.

Curtis Worcester (31:14):

I love that. I love that Mark, and I thank you for going through that in the way that you did. I think that was really, really good to hear. You mentioned it a couple of seconds ago about the physical and mental tolls of caregiving. Naturally, it can come with both physical and emotional challenges, right? Looking back on your experience with it, what were some of the hardest moments that you encountered while caring for your mother, and how did you cope with those challenges?

Mark Steven Porro (31:43):

Well, the first shock was seeing her basically on her deathbed. We had a Catholic priest come in and deliver the last rites. And I mean, her breathing was so faint, and you're not sure, so that's horrible. I went through it, but it was 14 years earlier with my dad, but still it's, it's your

(32:07):

Mom.

(32:08):

And once she snapped out of it, then he said, okay, if I'm going to take this on, what helped is my, I think all my experience in life at that point. My design experience certainly helped, and my acting experience certainly helped because at that point, once I said, I'm going to be the caregiver I took on that role and being an emotional son or whatever, I had to push back because I am now the caregiver. So I had a job to do and get over it and get on with it. So you're seeing your mother at this point, she's 90 naked for the first time, and you're seeing what all those years have done to her body. And some of it's a shock. Some of it you kind of expect, but still you're looking and then you're bathing her. So you're bathing every inch of this woman.

(33:00):

You're wiping her butt several times a day, and her life is literally in your hands. So that's very interesting. But the pros say that we learned it. Also, I did a lot of research not only from working with hospice, but on my own. And the pros say, you got to take breaks because the physical and mental and emotional toll on you is going to creep up, and you have to be healthy and in good shape to take care of them, to be the best caregiver you can be. So that was important. That's a lesson I didn't learn right away. I thought, I'm a guy, I can handle this. You got to, I think, self monitor. One of the first things I wanted to do, again, if I put the focus, my main goal was to put the focus on mom.

(33:51):

So the first thing I did is I bought her a new wardrobe. You want to cheer a woman up at any age, new wardrobe that'll do it. And what I did is she had these drab night dresses and day dresses she wore, and nobody really took care of her hair. And she had beautiful long nails always. She was a hand model back in her late teens and early twenties, and I don't think ever put lipstick on her nowadays. And I thought she could look so much better. And then I realized that wanting to feel pretty doesn't end at 90.

(34:24):

That's right.

(34:24):

And she treated herself to, with the six kids and working all night, she treated herself to a weekly visit to the beauty salon where she got a shampoo and set and had her nails done. And I don't know when the last time that happened, when she came to visit me in la, I would take her to my friend's salon in Beverly Hills where she got the movie star treatment, and she always loved that. So I thought, well, we got to do something like this. So I created a thing called Day of Beauty, which I tried to recreate that at home salon treatment. And so on a Saturday every day she got a sponge bath day and night. And then on Day of Beauty, at that point, again, she didn't walk, so we put a commode bedside, and that's where the title of the book, I'll Tell that story in a moment. So we would get her up, or I would get her up on the commode and soak her feet in Epsom salt. I would wash her hair and dry it as best I could before blow drying it, but you don't blow dry on a commode.

(35:29):

Another lesson learned electrocuting your mother is not a good idea. No.

(35:34):

So

(35:35):

At least get the feet out of the Epsom salts. And then when she was done there, I would get her onto the bed and give her a full body massage and tend to any medical needs if she needed those. She got a body lotion and then new diaper, and then she picked her wardrobe. And again, she loved the new clothes. Then I gave her blow, dried her hair. I put her on the wheelchair, blow dried her hair and put it in the ponytail. Sometimes I braided it for extra bonus points. Again, lessons learned growing up with three sisters. Then I gave her some lipstick, and then I did her nails, and I didn't think that much of it. I just thought, oh, this is a nice thing to do, no big deal. And then, which is in the wheelchair and finished. Then I would wheel her into the kitchen for breakfast and always cooked her a nice healthy breakfast. And on the way in, we pass our dining room mirror. We had a big round mirror in the dining room. And the first day of beauty, I parked her in front of that mirror and she's just gaga. And I leaned in and I said, who's that pretty girl? And she just beamed.

(36:46):

And I thought, my gosh, what a, I mean, I don't know. The last time she looked in the mirror, first of all, I don't remember the last time she looked in the mirror and liked what she saw, and when's the last time she felt pretty.

(36:57):

And

(36:57):

It was amazing. That little gesture was huge. It had a profound impact on me, but on mom. And then everybody who came and saw this woman, because now she's just radiating this love and beauty. And it was, as I've done some interviews regarding the books, people are saying in assisted living and other nursing homes, they're starting to do this more because people, men too. I remember we shaved, my dad was always clean shaven and had his hair combed. And two days before he died, my sister and I gave him a nice shave

(37:36):

And

(37:37):

Combed his hair, and he just loved it. So this was a huge, huge deal out of a small gesture. The effect of that was just amazing to me. So I parked her in front of that mirror every day and asked the same question, just to let her know that you're beautiful. You're not only beautiful because your mom, but she was a hot looking lady, and it was lovely, and it probably did more good for me than it did for her.

Ben Smith (38:04):

Well, and I think obviously as you said, mark is doing this together and this is a journey together on this and kind of being a team and you being able to resonate with what she's experiencing is that, hey, you're providing her joy and her joy, then giving that back to you, that you were having success and such a really important thing. And I guess obviously there's a really valuable lesson that you just shared right there with the experience and just showing self-worth and being able to go, Hey, at any age we can still reflect back on ourselves and our image and just feel good about ourselves. And that's really important. I want to ask a question though, mark, about, hey, if you were, obviously you know what you know now of experiencing this with your mom and looking back on this caregiving journey, what do you wish you had known before you started? And then I want to ask, the second part is, what advice would you give to retirees who may just be beginning their own caregiving journey for their loved one?

Mark Steven Porro (39:08):

Well, I would have to say, because it was such, for me, positive experience, I have to say, I wish I took the pro's advice about taking breaks a little more seriously, because my mother almost outlived me. I think I've read that up to around 30% of caregivers die before their patients.

(39:30):

And I was almost one of those stats because I didn't listen and they could read about it in the book. I don't want to dwell on it, but I had three emergency surgeries. And so after this thing happened to me, I could no longer pick her up. So I needed help at that point. And we hired a nurse's aide who was a gem. She was great. They're so hard to find. But Marina was just an angel. I called her my savior from Salvador, El Salvador. And she was great. And so we were a really good team because she knew my goal was to make mom her last years as joyful as possible. And Marina was right on board with me. So it was great. We worked things out pretty well as a team, but I lost some special time with my mom because these one-on-ones, I took a lot of notes, a lot of photos and videos while I was there, but I wanted to record for the family, which I had a knack for doing. I did a lot of this stuff throughout my life, but there were just some conversations and moments that we had that I didn't want them to miss. And that's kind of the reason that I wrote the book, because there was just some very cool stuff. And she was a funny lady, and she had a little bit of dementia. And so that's another thing too, when you're dealing with that, you can't take it personally. Out of the six kids, I'm the one caring for a 24 7 and wiping her butt.

(41:05):

And I'm the only name she couldn't remember for a while. And I thought she was joking because she had a wicked sense of humor. And one morning I went in and she looked at me and she says, now what is it I call you?

(41:17):

And

(41:17):

I said, you're kidding, right? She says, no. And I said, name your kids. And she goes, Laurel, Michael Carroll, David Dei. And she was completely stumped. And I said, mark. And she said, oh, mark, mark with a K. And I'm like, yeah, mark with a K, your favorite son. And she said, I don't have favorites. And I said, well, you have a favorite to forget. And I had to look at it in that way, otherwise you get destroyed.

(41:45):

And it would've been fun. And eventually I put a visual aid on the ceiling with my name and huge dark, thick letters mark. And then eventually she got it and it wasn't an issue. But things like that, you have to say, okay, they're still your mother or they're still your loved one. They're not the same person. They, they may be a little slower. They may forget things. They may forget your name and all that stuff, but that person is still inside there. And so you really have to, let's say, take the patience you need to really chill yourself. But also, empathy is one of the big words I have to say, because you really need to put yourself in their shoes, in their position and try to understand what are they trying to say to me? What do they need at this moment? They may not be able to express it in a way that helps, but you got to keep digging to find, okay, what does this person need at this point? So sometimes I guessed, sometimes I guessed, well, sometimes I did not. But being there trying to be, let's say, empathetic and listen and do your best to again put them, they're the focal point. So they get the most important thing. Put all the attention on what they need and not what you need.

Curtis Worcester (42:58):

Yeah, that's great advice, mark. And I think that's something that everyone listening who may be experiencing this or preparing to experience this, I think that's a really good answer there. So up to this point, we've been talking about your journey and your transition from your carefree bachelor life to full-time caregiver. Naturally, there was another transition then fast forwarding. So after your mother's passed, you then are going from being a full-time caregiver back to your own life, right? So how did you adjust to that sudden absence of not only your mother, but the caregiving role, and how did that affect you in the months that followed in your purpose?

Mark Steven Porro (43:41):

Wow. Well, yeah, it's certainly a big void during the time, and I described this in great detail in the book, maybe too much detail, the last five days I spent with her, I was pretty much with her as much as I could. Again, not knowing how long she was going to be there. And so that was tough, but I had to again, push my emotions down because I wanted to be there for mom. And if she did open her eyes during any of that time, wanted to make sure she saw a smiling face and not someone stressed out and sad and all that business. So I tried to keep as positive as I could after her funeral. When I came back home, wow. That's when I finally let it all go, and thank God I was alone because it was, I think I say in the book, it was biblical. It was ridiculous. And I'm, I'm not a guy that is afraid of emotion and stuff like that, but even that was embarrassing for me being alone. And then again, while I was there, I not only wanted to return dignity to my mom, but I wanted to return to her home. So the environment was big. So I renovated the entire house while she slept a lot. She was like a

(44:53):

Baby.

(44:53):

So I renovated the house, started with the basement, that was the real disaster, and then moved up floor by floor. And so I needed to finish that. So I put my attention, it was not going to be wallow in my tears and sadness and all that crap. It was like I got another job to do. So I focused it on that, and that was a real good relief. And I have a recurring line in the book. We grieve in our own way, and this was my way to grieve. I wanted to rebuild our family home to make it a, and most of it was done while she was here. And what was lovely about that is we brought back the family dinners because I think my other siblings and nieces and nephews all felt kind of the same way with those people in the house. They didn't want to be there that much. That's understanding. Once I started finishing up certain floors of the house, people started staying over

(45:51):

Again

(45:51):

And visiting more often, and the neighbors started coming more. And then we had Thanksgiving and Christmas and Easter dinners at the house again. And it was great to see my mom at the head of the table and us doing all this celebration. It was lovely. And also birthday. She had three more birthdays in that house.

(46:11):

That's

(46:11):

Awesome. And those were always a very special family affair. We didn't do these big things where your friends did all this stuff. It was pretty quiet, nice intimate moments with our folks, and I was really happy that we did that. And I guess proud that I made that happen. And to see, again, my mother's reaction with her family sitting around the table again was pretty cool. So yeah, I think, again, from growing up with my folks and stuff, it was like, you don't sit there and wallow in this get to work. And so getting to work really helped me.

Ben Smith (46:48):

Yeah. Well, mark, I think that's also great. I know just from my father and my uncle took care of my grandfather, their dad, and that was one of the things my father shared with me is he goes, I just don't know who I am right now. All this time I spent with my dad and taking care of him. And he goes, I just don't, it was just so encompassing. He didn't feel like he had something to pour himself into. And he was just trying to find what is the next thing for me and what do I want to do? And that was a gap that I think it took him a little bit to figure out was all this time that I now have back to myself, but I'm kind of pondering my own mortality. I'm pondering our relationship together and all the things that we did, but maybe the things we didn't do.

(47:35):

There's a lot of emotional things to work through, I think after that. So I commend you for, first of all, letting it out, having a expulsion of emotion is to kind do that, but then kind of go, well, hey, finding purpose. And again, renovation I'm sure was something really cathartic for you and the family. But I want to ask a question about just, you now stepped out of the moment here a bit, and obviously you've written this book as just a nice memorial to your mother, but also to this relationship and in the things that you learned about each other during this experience together. But asking about you in this caregiving role for your mom and how it changed you in the long run, right? Is now outside of this a little bit, looking back, how has this experience changed that perspective for you on life and aging? And what kind of lasting lessons are you leaving this experience with?

Mark Steven Porro (48:39):

Well, I have to say the greatest lesson I learned was about unconditional love. Again, with my carefree bachelor life in la, the business was the only major thing that I had to focus on. So unconditional love was definitely a lesson I've learned. And I think with that, it's interesting. So I wrote the book and it came out on Mother's Day 2023. And then it took me about six months before I thought I could get through recording the audio book,

(49:10):

Because

(49:11):

Again, there'd be even parts who weren't emotional. And all of a sudden I would just go, and so, gosh, this is going to be impossible. But I had to do it. And eventually we got it and it's pretty good. But upon reflection in the book, I thought that it seemed like with this story that I rescued my mom, and in between that time between the book and the audio book, I think my mom may have rescued

(49:35):

Me

(49:36):

Because at that point I did a lot of, I think good things in my life. I had a pretty adventurous life. But this gave me something that was really a meaningful purpose. And it was probably the best role I ever played in Hollywood

(49:51):

Was this one taking this on. And so this cry for help might have been, I'm going to rescue my kid. And so I love that. I love that realization. And I'm certainly a lot more sensitive to people with mothers during this, I call it our adventures. It was a three and a half year journey. I had some friends who were going through something similar and I would share some of the things I learned and experiences and tips and tricks and stuff like that. And they got some benefit out of it. And I thought, well, I think I can share this with a lot more people too, if not only inspire them, but I don't call it a how to book. I call it a what I did book.

(50:37):

And if nothing else, they'll be entertained. But there's some good practical advice in there and experience. And so I take that with me. So if I meet anybody or anybody talks to me about their parents or something, I don't force it on anybody, but sometimes people ask me. And some of the responses I've gotten from this book from people reading, it's just lovely personal notes they've written me. It's just amazing. And even some, I've got one a couple of months ago, someone I think from my hometown, which is lovely about all this social media because I've really, I haven't been in touch with a lot of people from my hometown in like 50 years. And the book has a lot of stuff about our hometown in there. And so people on Facebook have been finding out. And so very cool. There's

(51:24):

Thousands of people from my hometown that are become, I guess I'm not sure about fans or whatever, but there's one person, and I didn't know her, but she wrote a couple times a personal message saying, oh, I got your book. I'm reading it. I'm reading it with my mother, my mother's 95. Then the next year she goes, my mother's 96 and I'm going to read your book again because I think it will help me. And then she wrote me and she says, I wanted to tell you that my mother died a couple of weeks ago, and your book helped me get through that,

(51:55):

The humor and the fun stories that you shared. And again, it was the humor that helped. And I had another friend who recently lost her dad, and she said, mark, I can't read this book. I lost my dad last month. And I said, no rush, take your time, but I'm sorry for your loss and stuff like that. And then she wrote me a few weeks later and said, I'm going back to New York and I'm going to take this on the flight from LA to New York. And she put a picture, and then she gave me updates on Facebook so everybody could read these things. Nice.

(52:28):

And at one point she says, I am in the aisle dying laughing. The flight attendants want to know what the hell I'm reading because I am dying on this particular chapter, which is pretty wild. And that was so important to me, and that was beautiful. So those are things I wasn't expecting, but they're lovely, lovely to get. And I keep getting those almost at least every week, sometimes a few a week and stuff like that. So it's really good because I call it a timeless and timely story because we're all going to have to deal with this at some point in our life.

(53:07):

Yeah, that's right.

(53:08):

If we haven't already, and a lot of people have already dealt with it, want to read, let's say the Sun's perspective or at least a different perspective, and they're still enjoying it, which is nice.

Curtis Worcester (53:18):

Yeah, no, I love that Mark, and I love to hear those stories as you tell. I know part of this is we're on video right now, and I think just watching you tell that shows how much you truly care and appreciate the feedback. And it is just incredible to hear the whole story. And again, I do have a final question for you, but I do want to just first thank you again for coming on telling your story. It's been such a good conversation. I do want to ask, I'm going to pivot a little bit to my last question for you. So as you know, Ben and I are in the state of Maine. The name of our show is Retirement Success in Maine. So we like to ask all of our guests, I got to ask you, how are you going to find your personal retirement success?

Mark Steven Porro (54:02):

Well, I have to say, I got to thank mom and my family because I am now a published author.

(54:09):

And

(54:10):

I have a lot of stories. I've always had a lot of stories. I wrote a lot of, let's say, you said jokes and screenplays and Hollywood and stuff like that. But this was my first book and I really like the medium. I've got a lot more control over what you do say in Hollywood. And so I'm working on the next one, which is going to focus more on my dad. Yeah, I've got lots of stories, especially here. But I moved to France, which is also might've been part of my grieving

(54:39):

Because I moved here a couple years after mom passed. And I like adventure. And I visited here the year before and visited this little village, it's called Peana. It's in the southwestern part of France, and it's about 8,500 people. And it's my house that I bought, or an apartment was built in 1540 in the cobblestone streets. And they say Moer was born here. And it has a lot of architectural and art and political history, and it's just a very cool little place. And it just so happens to be in the largest region of wine growing in the world, which doesn't hurt because the wine is almost cheaper than water. And I think if you don't like wine, this is not the place to be. But if you do, which apparently I do, it's lovely. So the author thing is very cool. And the book is won 10 awards so far.

Ben Smith (55:35):

Wow, congratulations.

Mark Steven Porro (55:36):

Which is very, that's

Ben Smith (55:36):

Awesome.

Mark Steven Porro (55:37):

Just to get published, I got published in my sixties. I found a publisher, I mean, I could have self-published this, I suppose, but I really wanted to team up with the publisher. And fortunately the book, the early drafts resonated with this particular, I had two publishers I actually was working with and I decided to go with the one who is more interested in quality as opposed to speed. And I think I made the right choice. I think that the editors I work with were great and we're having a good time so far.

Curtis Worcester (56:10):

That's so great.

Mark Steven Porro (56:11):

And so I am doing the Hemingway thing living in France and not the drinking or the shooting in the head. I'll try not to do that.

(56:20):

Right. Don't do that. Yeah, don't do that. The

(56:21):

Whole fighting. No, but the writing is much, is very

Ben Smith (56:26):

Fun. I love that. Well, mark, again, we can't thank enough for coming on our show today. Again, just even getting a flavor of your mother and just kind of honoring her a little today was pretty amazing. I wish I would've met her. I can't imagine the amount of fun I'm sure that you guys had. And again, I'm looking forward to reading this book again. There's a lot of things I want to get out of you, but it's like we only have an hour to get to it and I want to push people to go read it. I'm going to go read it. I know Curtis is too. And again, we can't thank you enough for coming on our show today. Thank you so much.

Mark Steven Porro (57:00):

I appreciate it. And also, this is a gift to me because every time I get to share my mom's story, I keep her in the present, which is lovely. So thank you for that.

Ben Smith (57:10):

Absolutely. Absolutely be well. Take care.

Mark Steven Porro (57:12):

Thank you. Take care.

Ben Smith (57:13):

So I loved Mark Steven Porro. I mean, I think he did amazing. And again, just kind of hearing some of the story and we were trying to be careful not to give all the book away, right? So I think there's a lot of really good stuff in that book. So we didn't want to just go, just tell me the whole book and let's go through it. So try to pick and choose where we're going. So I think we did a lot of that. So again, hopefully you all got a good flavor of the relationship Mark had with his mom, but also maybe it's all check out his book there too. I appreciate you have to do that. Absolutely. So if you want to check it out, go to his website, which is a cup of tea on the commode.org, so you can see that website there. Again, the book is on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, check out his YouTube, Instagram, all those socials. Have that there. So we'll have the links in our show notes.

(58:07):

Again, you can always go to Amazon and check out the paperback card, cover audio, all those formats are on Amazon too. But again, some really good stuff from Mark there today. You can also, so get all these links, get the transcript, get everything you need from the show today, go to guidance point llc.com/ 1 0 3 for episode 103. We're now continuing the triple digits. It's keep going. Pretty fun to keep going here. So appreciate you all being along this ride with us. And again, we just continue to find more and more really great storytellers out there that I think have a lot to share with us. So appreciate you tuning in and we'll catch you next time.